


Red Tape Redux

by wyntirrose



Series: Red Tape Stories [3]
Category: Transformers (Bay Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2018-01-08 22:12:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1138001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyntirrose/pseuds/wyntirrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's only so much red tape that a mech can handle and the US government seems determined to push that limit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Red Tape Redux

"I need to do what?" Ratchet asked, his voice low and calm.

Had Sideswipe been on his pedes rather than on his aft on a medical table, he would have been backing slowly out of the room. He knew from first hand experience that a quiet Ratchet was a very, very dangerous Ratchet. As it was, Wheeljack was backing slowly into the adjacent room and Mirage had already disappeared from view.

Cameron May put up his hands and scowled in irritation. "Look, I know it's a bitch. Trust me, I know. I tripped last year and skinned my palms on the pavement outside HQ and they had me filling out forms for, like, the whole day! And I'm sure that three of those forms were the same damned one with different number on them! I mean I skinned my palms, it's not like I did any real damage. I mean, yeah, sure, I couldn't play GTA right for a while until the sting went away but they acted like I had broken something and when I pointed out that this was a giant waste of time Jamieson's all 'It's protocol and the world will cease to exist if we don't follow every stupid rule I pull out of my stupid ass". Okay, so he may not have said exactly that, you you get the idea right? I mean-"

"Cameron!" Ratchet snapped. "By the All-Spark! You talk more than Bluestreak!"

With that he came around the medical berth and crouched down carefully in front of the human boy. "Now what exactly is it that they need me to do and why in the pit do they need me to do it? And just the facts, please. No backstory, Cameron."

It was clear that the medic was trying to keep his temper. Cameron May was a good kid; bright and more than willing to learn from the Cybertronians, but sometimes he was just too clueless for his own good. Like when he had followed Ironhide around like a moony puppy until the weapon's expert had come close to shooting the boy.

"Oh, uhm, yeah," the techie stammered, tugging slightly on his battered Northern Pikes t-shirt. "The forms are to record the damage you guys take in battle. I know it's stupid and I tried to tell Jamieson that you guys aren't gonna file for workman's comp so the whole thing's a waste ... of .. time ... uhm, yeah, sorry." Cameron trailed off as he felt more than heard the irritated growl of Ratchet's engine. "Look there are three forms. Form seven needs to be filled out by Optimus since he's your supervisor, form ten is filled out by the patient, form three-seventy-two point five is filled out by whoever does the accident investigation, and you fill out form H7A9. Since you're the doctor who saw to the injured party. And then the forms are all sent off to some office in DC and filed and then nothing happens after that. Unless they get enough forms and then you need to retake the OSHA courses."

"OSHA courses?" Ratchet asked, clearly not expecting a rational answer and seriously regretting having anything to do with the humans and their bureaucracy.

"Yeah, you know, Occupational Health and Safety? The stupid 'don't stick your hand in hot oil or staple-gun your face course?"

Ratchet's optics cycled in a blink. "You people need to be _told_ not to do those things? You need to be told in a course?"

"What? No of course we don't need to be told that! But you know what I mean, right Ratchet? I mean those courses were beyond kindergarten!" Cameron ranted, running both hands through the mop of brown hair atop his head. Suddenly he froze and turned back to the medic, eyes wide with disbelief.

"Oh my god," he intoned. "You never took the courses, did you?"

"What courses?" Ratchet boomed out. "What frelling courses and what does this have to do with the damned paperwork you want me to fill out?!"

" _I_ don't want you to fill out the forms! Jamieson wants that because he has a hard on for you guys or something! He's been pissed ever since 'Hide made him piss himself that first day! This isn't my fault!"

Ratchet vented a blast of air and placed one hand behind Cameron before the human could run off.

"Cameron," he said slowly and carefully, trying very, very hard not to snap. "What. Course."

Cameron took a deep breath, calming as he tried to extricate one hand from his hair. "OSH four eighty seven and twelve ninety one. They're occupational health and safety courses. You know, basic stuff like how you're not supposed to carry coffee down the stairs during a fire drill and how you need to report all injuries. And since you haven't taken those I'm guessing that Jamieson's been sitting on the others too. There's Creating a Respectful Workplace and Violence in the Workplace, and the physical security course, and the Communications class. And he's probably gonna want to send you on the sexual harassment course, Ratchet. I'm sorry."

Again Ratchet's optics cycled in a blink. "What?!"

Cameron shrugged sheepishly. "Well I mean, you did tell Epps that Sargent Gonzales was ovulating and that her pheromones were high. Sorry, man, but women tend not to like that kind of thing announced. I mean, even I know that and I once accidentally stalked a girl for a month while I was trying to get up the courage to ask her out. FYI, stalking is not the best way to do that." May nodded sagely.

Ratchet buried his face in his hands and asked himself if it was too late to get reassigned to another unit. Anything had to be better than dealing with this bureaucratic nonsense.


End file.
